What is the real value of intensity?
One morning a couple of years back, I woke up with the following question on my head: Is this it?
For some reason, even if life was good, I had the feeling I was missing out on something... I heard myself making a statement like "I want much more from life" and taking life changing decisions when I realized I couldn't live a life or such "normality", it was like an emotional straight line, and I felt trapped into something where there would neve be a rush again, and the fast lane was slowly becoming something for others. I had a life that was too much under control.
The decisions I took, brought me to another country, a whole different set of friends, and to the conscious desicion of letting myself feel things as they came, to open up to people for them to see who I am, and yes, I was in a very fast lane, where many things were happening and changing, and emotions were a roller coaster. I experimented intense love, delirious happiness, fear, anxiety, hope, disapointment and the deepest grief I have ever felt. And then I felt exhausted. It became difficult to manage my own thoughts that at time were so unrestful that I would beg my own brain for peace... for silence.
I saw myself strugling for that silence, for the achievement of individual balance despite everyone around, creating barriers not to let them break in the center of me as they had done before, I told myself I was balanced and indifferent to all the things, people and situations I couldn't change. I "let go" of all the passions that had been consuming my energy (or at least I told myself I did) I didn't want to feel anymore of that insatiable desire I had. It was hard to accomplish...
Today I live in that "balance" that today I challenge saying: Is this mental state harmonious balance or did all the intensity turn into indifference? Is it real balance or is it the bruises from feeling in the past?
I miss the intensity every now and then, but now I know its cost. If I am talking about experiencing two extremes; does the middle point really exist? Could it be that this is it? Is this the middle point? Will I be able to experience that level of intensity again? What is a better life? One lived through all the intensity, its blessings and curses or one lived in apparent balance, where nothing challenges the internal status quo that has finally achieved self satisfaction?
For some reason, even if life was good, I had the feeling I was missing out on something... I heard myself making a statement like "I want much more from life" and taking life changing decisions when I realized I couldn't live a life or such "normality", it was like an emotional straight line, and I felt trapped into something where there would neve be a rush again, and the fast lane was slowly becoming something for others. I had a life that was too much under control.
The decisions I took, brought me to another country, a whole different set of friends, and to the conscious desicion of letting myself feel things as they came, to open up to people for them to see who I am, and yes, I was in a very fast lane, where many things were happening and changing, and emotions were a roller coaster. I experimented intense love, delirious happiness, fear, anxiety, hope, disapointment and the deepest grief I have ever felt. And then I felt exhausted. It became difficult to manage my own thoughts that at time were so unrestful that I would beg my own brain for peace... for silence.
I saw myself strugling for that silence, for the achievement of individual balance despite everyone around, creating barriers not to let them break in the center of me as they had done before, I told myself I was balanced and indifferent to all the things, people and situations I couldn't change. I "let go" of all the passions that had been consuming my energy (or at least I told myself I did) I didn't want to feel anymore of that insatiable desire I had. It was hard to accomplish...
Today I live in that "balance" that today I challenge saying: Is this mental state harmonious balance or did all the intensity turn into indifference? Is it real balance or is it the bruises from feeling in the past?
I miss the intensity every now and then, but now I know its cost. If I am talking about experiencing two extremes; does the middle point really exist? Could it be that this is it? Is this the middle point? Will I be able to experience that level of intensity again? What is a better life? One lived through all the intensity, its blessings and curses or one lived in apparent balance, where nothing challenges the internal status quo that has finally achieved self satisfaction?
Labels: Reflexion
posted by M at 3:33 PM
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